no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
