So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
