Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
