I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Drake has all the answers
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
