its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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