You're my little dorito
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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