this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
