is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
