Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
