Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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