After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
