Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
