She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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