I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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