I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
