Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
