mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It was a blind-side dick pic.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
