So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
