Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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