the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
