Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
