i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
