My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
