So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
