My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
