I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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