apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
