hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
