Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
