I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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