We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
