If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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