So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
