I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
