hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
