Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
