Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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