seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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