cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
