I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
