i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm always down for nudity.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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