I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
