the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
