u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I want to walk on stilts...naked
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
