Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
