This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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