I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
