Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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