It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
