I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
